Thought Purges

04.05.2020

abuse lingers. it is a meddling thing.

it behaves like a tick. 

sometimes it feels like there are two ticks

one i have found, and removed, and treated the wounds of

but that still took part of me when it left.

and another that is still sucking

not as aggressively as the first

but sucking

and i am watching it,

letting it.

05.11.2020

i am lying on a camping mattress in this garage

bemusedly watching a cockroach crawl over my leg

and wondering why i am here

i think about the rich man in monte carlo

who bought my friends and i expensive wine

who asked me to go sailing with him

who i told no because i was dating

"the love of my life"

the rich man who smiled and said

"i think he will only hurt you in time"

the other day the "love of my life"

tore his shirt off in a rage and screamed at me till i couldn't breathe

because i had left a video game charger at my mom's house

a two minute drive away

the "love of my life"

tells me he doesn't find the things i love interesting

and that i don't know how to have fun

because i take 22 credits a semester to graduate in 2.5 years

so that i can support his dreams

because he wouldn't wait for me any longer 

the "love of my life"

ridicules my body

tells me i'm not funny

pisses in bottles for me to clean up

leaves food molding until i cave and clean it for him

i google cockroaches

i learn that wood-eating cockroaches take turns 

eating each others wings

you have eaten my wings and now i sit here

unable to move

i smile at the thought of the rich man

and the irony of how correct a stranger could be

he has only hurt me in time

and he is not

the love of my life

06.08.2020

1:00 am

new life plan:

• a shitty high rise apartment in the city where I never have be reminded of what I used to want and what we could've been. maybe if i get over my fear of heights i'll get over you.
• a dog
• take-out chinese food every time I hear our song
• a new job that pays the bills 
• a shitty blog where I cry to strangers (already accomplished)

2:05am

I'm sitting in my car in a random parking lot, staring at nothing, and thinking about everything.

06.01.2021

Six months ago I would have told anyone that I never planned on writing again. 

Funny how things change.

07.01.2021

• i do not have a high rise, but I do live in an apartment in the city, and when i am sad i climb onto the roof and write. It's only about 20 feet off the ground, but for now it'll do.
• i have a dog, a mini merle aussie. i named him maslow like i always wanted. you told me it was a stupid name. 
• i couldn't give a shit about our song. take-out chinese food when I'm in the mood.
• i'm still in school for that third degree, but i have a job too. it helps pay the bills. 
• blog is still here.

07.12.2021

My therapist catches me in a tailspin

she is trying not to laugh and that makes me laugh

but i'm not sure what we are laughing about

"so you are concerned that he treats you too well"

"yes" 

"and because he treats you well things are going to become awful"

"yes"

" and you're panicking because he told you he loves you and that is a bad word"

i correct her, "an ominous word."

she doesn't try not to laugh anymore, she just does

"could this be because in your world love has always has close ties with pain and hurt"

"i suppose"

"therefore, could it be possible that for over three years you thought pain and hurt was the definition of love"

"i suppose"

merriam-webster updates their dictionary two to three times a year to keep it as up-to-date as possible. my new definition of love involves no hurt or pain.

07.19.2021

Jenna asks me "what do we say when people put us back into that box that we do not exist in anymore"

I recite the carefully constructed statement we wrote together

"i do not like that perception of me because it is not real anymore. the way you perceive me in this moment is not based on current realities or patterns" 

She smiles, pleased. 

"And when they force their perceptions onto you without listening to your perspective"

"Do you want to have an open dialogue so our relationship can continue in a positive direction or do you want it to deteriorate" 

I end the session and cry.

These words have been stuck in my throat for years.

3.22.22

Everything I have done in the past year and a half is for my dog. As he lies on the couch ottoman, curled with his head resting on his paws watching the rain fall and perking his ears to passing traffic, I know this is true. Maslow was fittingly named for the late American psychologist Abraham Maslow, who is credited for developing Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. This hierarchy peaks with the concept of self-actualization, but only after first meeting the different levels of innate human needs: physiological needs, safety needs, love needs, and esteem needs. You’ll often hear schoolteachers praising Maslow’s teachings, simplified with the phrase “Maslow before blooms.” In an effort to shove two good names into one his nickname became Mazzy, after Mazzy Star, and I sang him “Fade Into You” as a lullaby at night. 

Maslow was my 21st birthday present, gifted to me by my mother after finishing two Bachelor’s degrees in two and a half years and seven months after a grueling breakup from my boyfriend of three years. He was born on October 12th of 2020 and I picked him from an image of seven rat-faced Australian shepherd puppies. Five days later I held him for the first time, on November 6th his eyes opened bright blue, and eight weeks from his birthday I brought him home. He screamed the entire thirty minute drive. Two weeks later we moved into our first ever apartment building, paid for with student loans for my third degree and a monthly allowance from my parents.

I was told that the following year, a one year accelerated nursing degree program, would be the worst year of my life. Maslow peed on the concrete floors for the first two weeks, chewed my beloved brick walls into dust when left unattended, and chewed through multiple charging cables in his first months on this planet. I cried for hours when he chewed through my computer charger a few nights before my first nursing school exam. On free days we took long drives to visit family and eventually he stopped screaming in the car. We hiked a half dozen trails in the new city we called home. We ate lunches on sunny restaurant patios and spent hours at the Dog Bar drinking overly salted Bloody Marys. He peed on my new boyfriend out of excitement the first time they met. It was not the worst year of my life.

 Fourteen months later he is sleeping in a home we own. He has a half acre yard where he herds the wind and chases squirrels up trees. He sleeps at my feet through the night and in the morning he pushes his back into my side until he gets his routine rubs before we officially wake for the day. 
When I first started attending AlAnon a little over a month ago I had difficulty with the steps involving a higher power. I have always described myself as agnostic, leaning towards a belief in something bigger than myself, but having difficulty assigning a specific construct to this power because of personal qualms with the church. I had trouble with the concept of prayer, even if just speaking into the universe. Instead, I talked to my dog. A thirty pound animal with a brain the size of a tangerine. The way some people bury their noses into the smell of a baby’s head, my solace was with my head buried into the scruff of Maslow’s neck. When I cried, Maslow would shove himself into my body and lick my face until my breathing turned from ragged to paced. 

In reality, my belief is that the universe in its entirety is bigger than myself. The interplay of time, space, lives, and experiences that mold and shape outcomes beyond my singular capabilities. But what better understanding of the universe is there than dogs, who are brave enough to desire to control none of this at all? As I write this Maslow licks my toes and blinks away his nap. When I stand, he'll follow. What a great adventure to have no plans at all.